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Deseret Book Now Just Selling General Authority Trading Cards

jonahrbarnes

Jan 27, 20231 min read

Deseret Book Now Just Selling General Authority Trading Cards

"No one reads the books anyways," said the spokesman. "So we're simplifying." SALT LAKE CITY, Utah -- Deseret Book will be closing the...

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MYSTERY: Book of Mormon Musical Strangely Unpopular with African LDSaints

jonahrbarnes

Jan 27, 20231 min read

MYSTERY: Book of Mormon Musical Strangely Unpopular with African LDSaints

"Yeah, so it turns out there are lots and lots of African Mormons," Parker said. Nairobi -- After enjoying historic success in the United...

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Detectives Track Down LDS Criminals By Tracing "Fibers of Being" Left at Crime Scenes

jonahrbarnes

Jan 27, 20231 min read

Detectives Track Down LDS Criminals By Tracing "Fibers of Being" Left at Crime Scenes

"In forensics, you gotta follow the science, and their fibers are a dead giveaway." SALT LAKE CITY, Utah -- Law enforcement has unveiled...

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New Evidence Shows Mahonri Moriancumr's Middle Name as "Jingleheimer"

jonahrbarnes

Jan 27, 20231 min read

New Evidence Shows Mahonri Moriancumr's Middle Name as "Jingleheimer"

A solemn new respect, and pity, has been found for the Book of Mormon prophet. Provo, UT -- Researchers at Brigham Young University in...

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Scholars Believe BoM Word "Ziff" a mistranslation of King Noah's Preferred Pronoun

jonahrbarnes

Jan 27, 20231 min read

Scholars Believe BoM Word "Ziff" a mistranslation of King Noah's Preferred Pronoun

"All Hail King Noah (Ziff/Zerr)!" Land of First Inheritance -- Newly discovered documents have aided researchers in concluding that the...

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City of Enoch Downloads TikTok, Changes Mind About Reuniting with Earth

jonahrbarnes

Jan 27, 20231 min read

City of Enoch Downloads TikTok, Changes Mind About Reuniting with Earth

"On second thought," Enoch said. "We think Earth needs some more time." After recently gaining access to TikTok, the City of Enoch has...

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NBA Launches New Scouting Program for LDS Church Basketball Leagues

jonahrbarnes

Jan 26, 20231 min read

NBA Launches New Scouting Program for LDS Church Basketball Leagues

"We tried social justice and that didn't work." NEW YORK, New York -- The National Basketball Association has announced that it will...

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Gadianton Robbers Disgusted by US Congress

jonahrbarnes

Dec 31, 20222 min read

Gadianton Robbers Disgusted by US Congress

In a recent tour, one Robber said, "It's the dishonesty that is repulsive." Another said: "Were they unloved as children? What makes...

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LDS Church Installs New Cheerio-Print Chapel Floors

jonahrbarnes

Dec 30, 20222 min read

LDS Church Installs New Cheerio-Print Chapel Floors

"It confuses the toddlers, but hides the mess," announced the Church in a Statement The scene is a familiar one. The meeting is over and...

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LDS Church Issues New Neck Pillows for Use on High Council Sunday

jonahrbarnes

Dec 30, 20223 min read

LDS Church Issues New Neck Pillows for Use on High Council Sunday

"We need to be ergonomic as well as spiritual." Salt Lake City, UT -- In the wake of the holistic movement, and giving a nod towards the...

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Orrin Porter Rockwell Still Undefeated in Fortnite

jonahrbarnes

Dec 30, 20222 min read

Orrin Porter Rockwell Still Undefeated in Fortnite

"Ya'll are a bunch of trash noobs," Rockwell taunted. The World Champion of Fortnite was claimed again by veteran gamer and defending...

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New Joseph Smith Papers Reveal Mahonri Moriancumr's Middle Name as "Jingleheimer"

jonahrbarnes

Dec 30, 20221 min read

New Joseph Smith Papers Reveal Mahonri Moriancumr's Middle Name as "Jingleheimer"

A solemn new respect, and pity, has been found for the Book of Mormon prophet. Provo, UT -- Researchers at Brigham Young University in...

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RadioFreeMormon Demands the Release of Kwaku El's Birth Certificate

jonahrbarnes

Dec 20, 20221 min read

RadioFreeMormon Demands the Release of Kwaku El's Birth Certificate

"What's he hiding?" said YouTube podcaster RadioFreeMormon. Checkmate, Kwaku El. RadioFreeMormon has thrown the gauntlet! After trying...

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Nephi Remembers the Great and Spacious Building Had an "Exceedingly Great DJ"

jonahrbarnes

Dec 20, 20221 min read

Nephi Remembers the Great and Spacious Building Had an "Exceedingly Great DJ"

"Yea, those jams were like a fiery furnace." Los Angeles, CA -- Recently, Nephi sat down with Cardon Ellis from Midnight Megaphone to...

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Salt Lake Tribune Triumphantly Unveils Newly Discovered Photo of Joseph Smith

jonahrbarnes

Dec 20, 20222 min read

Salt Lake Tribune Triumphantly Unveils Newly Discovered Photo of Joseph Smith

“We’re positive on this one!” said Rana Jeiss, editor the Tribune. "It’s old, right? And I'm pretty sure it's a daguerrotype, so...it’s...

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REPORT: Enos' Mother-In-Law Was Visiting for the Day, Prompting Prayer, Absence

jonahrbarnes

Dec 20, 20221 min read

REPORT: Enos' Mother-In-Law Was Visiting for the Day, Prompting Prayer, Absence

"I just had to get out of there," Enos said in a statement. "And when we're in trouble, we should pray, right?"

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Jaredite Mothers Stock Up on Goldfish Crackers, Nintendo Switches Before Voyage

jonahrbarnes

Dec 20, 20221 min read

Jaredite Mothers Stock Up on Goldfish Crackers, Nintendo Switches Before Voyage

"This the only way we're surviving this" said one desperate Jaredite mother. "If you lose your charger, you're a goner."

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Daniel and the Boys Rebuff the Babylonian Kings Order to "Do the Gritty"

jonahrbarnes

Dec 20, 20221 min read

Daniel and the Boys Rebuff the Babylonian Kings Order to "Do the Gritty"

And the King in his wrath required a gritty, but, lo, Daniel said, "Nay, I'm good bruh." Babel, December 11th, 2022 -- The King's court...

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Church Declares 11% Tithing for Anyone Bringing Vegetable Platters as "Refreshments"

jonahrbarnes

Dec 20, 20222 min read

Church Declares 11% Tithing for Anyone Bringing Vegetable Platters as "Refreshments"

Salt Lake, UT -- "They should be excommunicated, really" declares Dieter Uchtdorf, retired commercial pilot, beloved leader of the...

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Midnight Megaphone Goes Live! (TEST POST)

cardonellis

Dec 20, 20221 min read

Midnight Megaphone Goes Live! (TEST POST)

Testing... 1.. 2... 3...

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