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Falsitas hominum admixtis Scripturis
"The most trusted source for online news since 1834" -- Mahonri Moriancumr
jonahrbarnes
Jan 27, 20231 min read
City of Enoch Downloads TikTok, Changes Mind About Reuniting with Earth
"On second thought," Enoch said. "We think Earth needs some more time." After recently gaining access to TikTok, the City of Enoch has...
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jonahrbarnes
Dec 30, 20222 min read
Orrin Porter Rockwell Still Undefeated in Fortnite
"Ya'll are a bunch of trash noobs," Rockwell taunted. The World Champion of Fortnite was claimed again by veteran gamer and defending...
88 views0 comments
jonahrbarnes
Dec 30, 20221 min read
New Joseph Smith Papers Reveal Mahonri Moriancumr's Middle Name as "Jingleheimer"
A solemn new respect, and pity, has been found for the Book of Mormon prophet. Provo, UT -- Researchers at Brigham Young University in...
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jonahrbarnes
Dec 20, 20221 min read
Nephi Remembers the Great and Spacious Building Had an "Exceedingly Great DJ"
"Yea, those jams were like a fiery furnace." Los Angeles, CA -- Recently, Nephi sat down with Cardon Ellis from Midnight Megaphone to...
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jonahrbarnes
Dec 20, 20221 min read
REPORT: Enos' Mother-In-Law Was Visiting for the Day, Prompting Prayer, Absence
"I just had to get out of there," Enos said in a statement. "And when we're in trouble, we should pray, right?"
137 views0 comments
jonahrbarnes
Dec 20, 20221 min read
Jaredite Mothers Stock Up on Goldfish Crackers, Nintendo Switches Before Voyage
"This the only way we're surviving this" said one desperate Jaredite mother. "If you lose your charger, you're a goner."
3 views0 comments
jonahrbarnes
Dec 20, 20222 min read
Church Declares 11% Tithing for Anyone Bringing Vegetable Platters as "Refreshments"
Salt Lake, UT -- "They should be excommunicated, really" declares Dieter Uchtdorf, retired commercial pilot, beloved leader of the...
102 views0 comments
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