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Falsitas hominum admixtis Scripturis
"The most trusted source for online news since 1834" -- Mahonri Moriancumr
jonahrbarnes
Jan 27, 20231 min read
Deseret Book Now Just Selling General Authority Trading Cards
"No one reads the books anyways," said the spokesman. "So we're simplifying." SALT LAKE CITY, Utah -- Deseret Book will be closing the...
123 views0 comments
jonahrbarnes
Jan 27, 20231 min read
MYSTERY: Book of Mormon Musical Strangely Unpopular with African LDSaints
"Yeah, so it turns out there are lots and lots of African Mormons," Parker said. Nairobi -- After enjoying historic success in the United...
34 views0 comments
jonahrbarnes
Jan 27, 20231 min read
Detectives Track Down LDS Criminals By Tracing "Fibers of Being" Left at Crime Scenes
"In forensics, you gotta follow the science, and their fibers are a dead giveaway." SALT LAKE CITY, Utah -- Law enforcement has unveiled...
20 views0 comments
jonahrbarnes
Jan 27, 20231 min read
New Evidence Shows Mahonri Moriancumr's Middle Name as "Jingleheimer"
A solemn new respect, and pity, has been found for the Book of Mormon prophet. Provo, UT -- Researchers at Brigham Young University in...
72 views0 comments
jonahrbarnes
Jan 27, 20231 min read
Scholars Believe BoM Word "Ziff" a mistranslation of King Noah's Preferred Pronoun
"All Hail King Noah (Ziff/Zerr)!" Land of First Inheritance -- Newly discovered documents have aided researchers in concluding that the...
85 views0 comments
jonahrbarnes
Jan 27, 20231 min read
City of Enoch Downloads TikTok, Changes Mind About Reuniting with Earth
"On second thought," Enoch said. "We think Earth needs some more time." After recently gaining access to TikTok, the City of Enoch has...
54 views0 comments
jonahrbarnes
Jan 26, 20231 min read
NBA Launches New Scouting Program for LDS Church Basketball Leagues
"We tried social justice and that didn't work." NEW YORK, New York -- The National Basketball Association has announced that it will...
11 views0 comments
jonahrbarnes
Dec 31, 20222 min read
Gadianton Robbers Disgusted by US Congress
In a recent tour, one Robber said, "It's the dishonesty that is repulsive." Another said: "Were they unloved as children? What makes...
66 views0 comments
jonahrbarnes
Dec 30, 20222 min read
LDS Church Installs New Cheerio-Print Chapel Floors
"It confuses the toddlers, but hides the mess," announced the Church in a Statement The scene is a familiar one. The meeting is over and...
345 views0 comments
jonahrbarnes
Dec 30, 20222 min read
Orrin Porter Rockwell Still Undefeated in Fortnite
"Ya'll are a bunch of trash noobs," Rockwell taunted. The World Champion of Fortnite was claimed again by veteran gamer and defending...
88 views0 comments
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