Salt Lake, UT -- "They should be excommunicated, really" declares Dieter Uchtdorf, retired commercial pilot, beloved leader of the church, and prominent Democratic donor. "But, after consulting with the brethren, we have chosen to increase the tithing requirements of those who profane the cultural hall with these... chilled abominations." The Apostle picks up a nearly frozen pice of broccoli and hands it to President of the Church and friend, Russel M. Nelson.
"I know fresh vegetables are heart-healthy" comments President Nelson, a retired heart surgeon and current president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, "but, this is not what I came to 'Break the Fast' for, right?"
Putting down a half-eaten carrot, and spitting a soggy cherry tomato into an inexpensive napkin, the President elaborated, "Men are that they might have joy, and after twenty four grueling hours of fasting and prayer... I want some refined carbohydrates smothered in sugar and salt, washed down with something that has high fructose corn syrup in it! Something had to be done and I think excommunication was a little bit harsh so we settled for a tithing increase of merely one-percent."
"Incentives work," the Church said in a statement. "And we've gotta stop with the vegetable platters," chimed Dallin H. Oaks.
"Adam fell that man might be," Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said in a press conference on Tuesday. "And men are not gonna spend their lives eating uncooked cauliflower. We've tried warning about this for almost two hundred years. Right here! It says the Lord created 'noxious weeds to afflict and torment man'. That's pretty clearly referring to kale."
It's unclear how many Latter-day Saints will become more energized and active at church, now that the platters are discouraged.
Elder D. Todd Christofferson had the strongest words for the much-fear platters: "The cherry tomatoes of guilt, the raw broccoli coiling like an alien fungus ... We must put off the natural foods, and stick to brownies, cookies and even twinkies."
"We don't need the money, people," President Nelson reiterated. "It's not about the money. It's about sending a message..."
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