"No one reads the books anyways," said the spokesman. "So we're simplifying."
SALT LAKE CITY, Utah -- Deseret Book will be closing the book on the past and dealing out a new set of cards -- General Authority Trading Cards.
"We've been moving toward this a long time," said spokesman Gerald Tussleberg. "Most of our books are just collections of General Authority quotes anyways. We crafted beautiful covers with blank pages and our test audiences didn't even open the books. We figured, 'why not simplify!'"
Following the success of franchises like Magic: The Gathering and Pokemon, Deseret Book hopes to fill pockets and mantles with glossy portraits of General Authorities.
"Whoa! This is a limited edition Joseph B Wirthlin!" one 9-year-old card collector cried. "They didn't make very many of these!"
"I'll trade you three Elder Gongs for one Oaks," his friend said.
"No way, man! Five Gongs," his friend replied.
"Fine."
With books removed from their offering, Deseret Book now must decide what to do with the freed up shelf space.
"Home decor," the spokesman said. "That's what we're thinking. Really, that's been our core business since the beginning."
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