In a recent tour, one Robber said, "It's the dishonesty that is repulsive." Another said: "Were they unloved as children? What makes people like this?"
Washington, D.C. -- The U.S. Congress is getting a little heat from some surprise critics: the Gadianton Robbers. After a recent tour of the U.S. Congress, the group held an impromptu press conference, that frankly, didn't go very well for federal legislators.
"We are very dismayed," said Kushmenah Blooddrinker-ihah. "We were fully expecting a little thievery and maybe some lying, but this?"
The Robbers had originally planned to "infiltrate" the legal engine of the United States.
"We planned to steal some money from hard-working people" one Robber known as 'Manscourge' said. "But then their like, 'oh, we have this thing called taxes'. And I was like, 'but only on criminals and conquered enemies, right?' Pfft. No. no sir. They specifically tax productive people and then give the money away to their enemies!"
"At first we thought we had wondered into the wrong place," said Gadimenihah, the group's treasurer. "Maybe a cabal of spies from a distant rival or something, trying to undermine the society and enslave the populace! We thought, 'Ooh! This is cool! This is diabolical'. But then they're like, 'No, we're just the Ways and Means Committee.'"
The Robbers incidentally came to Washington just as deliberations were underway for the next year's fiscal budget, when the chamber is especially contentious.
"We had plans," Blooddrinker-ihah said. "Kishtish over here had a whole presentation on trapping the children. We were gonna trap them all and turn them against their parents and make them soldiers to actively fight to destroy their own civilization. We were hoping for like, one brainwash session a week, maybe. Then we find out they do this 180 days a year! And the people who do it get paid six figures and get called 'heroes'! All of our ideas kinda seemed a bit flat after that."
The Robbers said they still had lingering questions about how the whole system worked.
"I still can't figure out which one of them has the brain cells necessary to accomplish anything," Blooddrinker shook his head. "If these people are the brightest then I can understand why aliens see us and just fly right by."
The Robbers cut their visit short unexpectedly.
In an interview with Cardon Ellis of Midnight Mormons, the groups' spokesman Tuktukum-oni the Blacktongue-oroni described the moment the group decided to leave: "Yeah, so Manscourge kind of says as a joke: 'Why brainwash them? Why not kill them before they're even born? And force everyone to pay for it?' And we all said, 'Jeez, man, that's horrible. Even as a joke. Lighten up. C'mon we're robbers not devils'. It was way too far. Way too far. Manscourge was just riffin', ya know? We would never do anything that horrible ... and then they gave $400M to this group called Planned Parenthood ..."
"And that's when you had heard enough?" Cardon asked.
"Yeah, we felt like vomiting. That was that worst thing we'd ever heard."
"Have you ever heard of Epstein Island?"
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