"We need to be ergonomic as well as spiritual."
Salt Lake City, UT -- In the wake of the holistic movement, and giving a nod towards the ergonomics of worship, the LDS Church has approved new neck pillows for use on High Council Sunday.
Director of Special Projects James Bergstrom says that he is tired of getting a kink in his neck.
"The catholics have the kneeling bench," Bergstrom said. "We can beat that!"
Starting in the new year, the Church's 17 million members will be issued the new High Council Sunday Neck Pillows. These ergonomic and discrete pillows will be allowed exclusively on High Council Sundays when the ten thousand year old High Councilman begins his talk about his specific family history stories. At that moment, the Bishop will give a nod from behind the rambling gaffer and the neck pillows will be permitted for concern of safety.
"The scriptures warn specifically against stiff-necked people," said Bergstrom. "We can't let High Council Napday ... er -- I mean Sunday make us stiff-necked!"
"The Church needs to be able to adapt," said John Gargenson from Church headquarters. "As long we have High Councilmen speaking, we're going to have mass psychosis or sleeping. This is how we combat neck and posture problems."
Lately, focus groups had seen parishioners collapsing into the aisles, just moments after the High Councilmen began their talks about esoteric and apocryphal pioneer stories from their ancestry. Children were left unattended. The worst of all, however, was the youth.
"Teens who had no previous inactive thoughts were nearing the edge," Gargenson reported. "One young man almost considered leaving the chapel and heading to the Jehovah's Witness Kingdom Hall because he thought the talks might be more interesting."
"The C-Pap machines were getting a bit noisy," Sister Ferguson recalled. "We can deal with the drool; we get that from the babies anyways."
The National Chiropractor's Association (NCA), which is 92% Latter-day Saints opposed the move.
"This is disrespectful to the High Council speakers!" said a spokesman for the NCA. "If you're not excited to hear about Methuselah B. Johnson's life alone in Brownrock Valley Nevada and how he ate squirrel guts to survive for five winters, and used his beard hair to sew a scarf for his wife Gertrude, whelp, then maybe you're just a bit stiff-necked!"
The National Dentist Association had a different opinion on the neck pillows.
"It got me thinking," said Dr. Herbert Walrdon, a Latter-day Saints Dentist from Idaho Falls. "What if we partnered with the Church and we could complete the occasional procedure right there in the pews? I mean, these people are out. I mean OUT. They wouldn't wake up even if Sister Betty fell asleep and crashed her head right onto the organ keys. They aren't gonna wake up for my little drill. We can work this out and I think everyone would benefit."
"I've struggled with insomnia for years," said one Mike Rosetti, a member of the Payson 3rd Ward. "When Brother Hilton starts rambling about the Great Snow of '06, and how his grandfather won the town's basket-weaving competition, well, I just can't keep my eyes open. It's therapeutic, really. These neck-pillows are gonna be perfect."
In the future, the Church is considering blankets, and even tiny teddy bears offered at the entrance. From now on, like late president Gordon B. Hinckley said, the membership of the Church will be "standing" (and sleeping) "a little taller".
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