"We tried social justice and that didn't work."
NEW YORK, New York -- The National Basketball Association has announced that it will begin searching for talent among local LDS basketball leagues.
"For years we've relied on exceptionally tall, exceptionally athletic and exceptionally young talent," said Ryker Richardson NBA spokesman. "We're now searching for men who are short, out-of-shape and riddled with physical insecurities."
"The emotional scarring of watching 4 or 5 children walk all over you for years," said NBA Scout Torrance Clefson. "That's something that no gym or training program has been able to replicate."
"The 'Dad-Bod' is in this year," said Richardson. "A little flab and receding hairlines could also help attract female viewers. If we need to purchase a couple pallets of Aleve, it'd be worth it."
Fans were also approving of the change.
"Sometimes you have to crane your neck to see over the obnoxiously tall players," one woman remarked. "Nobody cares for that."
Latter-day Dads across the country are retrieving their old jerseys and letterman jackets in anticipation of the changes.
One dad mused: "I was born for this ... in 1978."
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